Chapter Three (of 6): Facing the challenges of change
I first decided to go part-time at my well-paying job with Telus Mobility, and although I thought I was going to pursue my business Live Creative, I took the time instead to go through all of my life belongings I’d accumulated and get rid of things that I really didn’t need, and begin to develop a generosity in giving, which I’d always avoided. I began to organize my entire life. And I mean ORGANIZE. It became CRYSTAL CLEAR to me that God was indeed preparing me to leave my employment with Telus Mobility and that He had some big plans for me and that He was wanting to take me somewhere to do mission work, but I just had no idea where. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about YWAM. A LOT actually. It kept surfacing, and then I’d shove the thought down again because I was afraid of leaving my job. REALLY AFRAID. I had become so DEPENDENT on my salary and my lifestyle, despite the fact that I was dissatisfied with this status-quo living… There was a huge division in my spirit, a real battle!
During this time, I began taking some language courses (Spanish) because that was where my heart was. I wanted to return to the Dominican since that was where my heart first came alive to the idea of missions. My heart was set on this, and so I began doing research about YWAM bases in Latin America. I could not get any peace though whenever I would pray and consider leaving my job to go with YWAM to Latin America, specifically the Dominican. I got really confused and frustrated, as I could not seem to shake this mission desire and heart to serve the Lord in full-time ministry, yet I could not get any peace about it. I also had another element to contend with. I’d told everyone I was starting a design business and here I was with no heart to do it, and my heart was leading me into missions, yet I felt I wasn’t released yet to pursue it. This was in the Winter/Spring of 2005 when I got a bit discouraged, stuck in this transition stage and getting rather confused.
At this time in March of 2005, I went to MissionFest in Toronto and discovered that Loren Cunningham from YWAM was the main speaker for the event! My heart could not help but leap for joy as I knew that I wanted so badly to join YWAM and do a DTS. During the course of the 3 day conference, a couple from BC who were with YWAM in BC, came up to me about 6 times and ask if I’d applied to do a DTS yet. Little did they know that I had been praying about this for months now. I got really excited that maybe, just maybe, God really DID want me to join YWAM! I just didn’t know where and when… but I knew that I needed to go!
So, when I got home, I got serious and began to really research and pray and seek the Lord if this really was the time for me to GO FOR IT. I also decided to lay my business down. I had done the groundwork with the business but had never officially launched it or done any business yet, so it was as if I put that dream down at the feet of Jesus, and He placed a new dream (or dusted off an old dream from years ago) in my hands and gave me permission to pursue it.
Then the real battle began! I knew God wanted me to do a DTS but I was paralysed with fear! I would attempt to leave my job, but I just couldn’t. I wanted to leave it so bad because I did not enjoy it, but I would feel this total inability to resign. It was strange. I also had a church that I was involved in and they were having me do more and more and starting to lead worship. I wanted to stay and take the opportunities at the church that were opening up for me. So, all of these factors stalled me. By this time it was nearing the end of May 2005 and I was miserable because I felt so divided and stuck. Because of feeling so divided and pulled in so many directions, I decided to just give up the dream to go to YWAM and do missions. I decided that I would just stay in the Barrie, Ontario area and work and stay involved in my church. I felt relieved that I was no longer divided and that I could just be single-focused about doing things for the Lord in this local area.